do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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