He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
