My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
