I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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