Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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