new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
