God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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