You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize