I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
