I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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