hotel room ftw
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
