I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize