9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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