he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
