I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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