I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
