Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
