Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
