I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
