Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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