Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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