my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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