literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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