Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My breasts were aching with rage.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
