I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
