I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
