How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
