I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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