I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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