So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
