I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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