she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
