I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
