I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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