I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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