My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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