You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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