You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
