smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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