i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
These tits shall not be calmed
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
