Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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