Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
