I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
