it hurts more in the daytime
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
