I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
