I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
