maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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