your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
