You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
