I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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