So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
