Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
