I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
