I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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