roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize