im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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