If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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