There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
